Friendship In Marriage
Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman found that 70% of men and women say that the determining factor of whether they feel satisfied with sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is based on the quality of their friendship.
Wow, finally something that men and women both agree on. Yet often, the daily demands of life make us feel more like roommates than friends. So how do we cultivate friendship in marriage?
Let’s look at the friendship of two lovers in history.
John and Abigail Adams
At the age of 20, Abigail Smith married John Adams. A few years later, on March 4, 1797, John Adams was inaugurated as the second president of the United States. Abigail was John Adams’s confidante, political advisor, and First Lady.
How did they keep their friendship alive while they were apart from each other? During his presidency, we have records of passionate love letters written to each other. In more than 1,000 letters, we can see a window into John and Abigail’s mutual devotion and friendship.
It was more than revolutionary political ideals that kept them so united; they shared a trust and abiding tenderness.
Abigail Adams wrote:
“There is a tye more binding than Humanity, and stronger than Friendship.”
John wrote:
“I want to hear you think, or see your Thoughts. The Conclusion of your Letter makes my Heart throb, more than a Cannonade would. You bid me burn your Letters. But I must forget you first.”
John and Abigail were apart a lot at this point in their marriage, but they obviously had created a ritual of connection through writing letters to one another. This intentional connection kept the spark alive in their marriage while they were apart.
- Have rituals of connection, which are times you can count on throughout the day and week in which you connect with each other. What is your prime time? You know, the time you feel rested, refreshed, and up for an adventure. Make it a priority to give the one you love the gift of your prime time.
- Make reuniting fun and positive! Before listing the hardships of your day, give your spouse a lingering hug. Tell them how good it is to be home and in their arms.
- Have fun together! Mica and I love to watch comedy clips on YouTube. Asking “Would-You-Rather” questions and reading Far Side Comics are on our list of fun! Go to dinner and make a love song playlist or plan your next getaway.
Every marriage goes through dry spells when you feel like you’re in survival mode, but having structured time together that you can count on will keep your relationship strong during the busy seasons of life.
